Often, when a couple decides to get a
divorce, emotions are high and feelings can cloud judgment. It is easy for divorces
to turn stressful and messy, but if each party was to take a step back
and reevaluate their circumstances, they could potentially avoid the ugliness
that can come with divorce.
If you are considering divorce or are in the process of it, we have gathered
ten steps to help you achieve a more amicable dissolution.
1. AVOID ASSOCIATING WITH OR OBSESSING OVER YOUR BROKEN RELATIONSHIP
It can be easy to constantly reflect on what went wrong in a marriage,
to ruminate on the mistakes, the anger, and the pain. But when trying
to go through divorce amicably, it is important to keep things neutral
and professional. Spend less time fixating on the negatives and spend
more time developing your new identity outside of marriage. Try new hobbies
or focus on other aspects of your life.
2. FIND SUPPORT
Whether it is through friends, family, or a counselor, it is important
to seek support when you need it. Divorces can be both physically trying
and emotionally damaging. Have someone you can talk out your frustrations
or feelings with. No matter how bad things may look, it I important to
realize that you are not alone.
3. AVOID BLAMING EACH OTHER
One thing that ensures defensiveness and breaks down communication is blame.
Blame is a way of taking out hurt feelings and aggression. Rather than
automatically putting your spouse at fault, take a step back. Try to look
at both sides of the story and take responsibility for your actions. By
not blaming each other, you leave room for conversation.
4. UNDERSTAND AND DEAL WITH YOUR EMOTIONS DURING DIVORCE
Whether the reasons of your divorce were amicable or combative, it is important
to recognize what you are feeling. Some might feel hurt for being rejected,
angry for being lied to, or upset about the marriage not working out.
It can be easy to internalize these negative emotions and let them govern
how you make decisions during the divorce proceedings. This is not healthy
and does no one any good. Understand where your feelings are coming from
and try to find healthy outlets for them.
5. DECIDE WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU
To avoid drawn out divorces, take a moment to catalog what really matters
to you. By having a clear understanding of what you hope to get out of
the divorce, what you value most, and what you’re willing to compromise,
you will make the process easier for yourself. You should know how to
pick your battles, so you’re not drawn into a vicious cycle of fighting.
6. LEARN TO BE YOU
During marriage, it is easy to identify yourself as part of a unit. You
and your husband probably did things together, made decisions together.
With a divorce, take a moment to regain a sense of self. Who are you when
you’re not married? Having confidence in who you are will hopefully
translate to speaking with more self-assurance. It is also important to
not blame yourself.
7. READJUST TO YOUR COMMUNITY
Whether it is in your neighborhood, family gatherings, church, or social
gathering, it can be hard to find your place again in your community.
It’s tricky to navigate the post-divorce territory in a community.
But be respectful of your spouse and avoid making your friends and family
choose sides. That way there won’t be ill-will towards the other.
If relationships are lost because of the divorce, be mature. Accept things
for what they are and move on.
8. TAKE BITTERNESS OUT OF THE EQUATION WHEN DIVIDING ASSETS
One of the most difficult parts of divorce is deciding who gets what. There
might be emotions of anger or frustration when trying to evenly distribute
things that reflects your time together. Ask your spouse what they want
out from the assets. You might be surprised to see neither of you want
the same things. Bring facts and figures to the proceedings, so you both
know just what needs to be divided, so that there are no problems later.
9. COME UP WITH A FAMILY PLAN
If children are involved, it is very important to put them first. Specifically
discuss how you would like to arrange parenting time, schooling, and family
life in general. By specifically stating your intentions and wishes, both
parties can come to an agreement. Consider using a neutral mediator to
advice decisions you cannot agree upon.
10. CONSIDER THE BENEFITS OF HIRING A DIVORCE ATTORNEY
At times it is hard to see the value of a good divorce lawyer, especially
when you just want to get the divorce over with and not think about it
again. However, good divorce attorneys know about marriage laws and are
there to help you. They can make sure that everything you and your spouse
decide is legal and fair.
Divorce is never easy. It’s hard to admit that a relationship that
you once felt so strongly about did not work out. But that’s okay.
If you are considering divorce, contact our Rancho Cucamonga family lawyers
at James D. Madden, Attorney at Law. We work with our clients to make
sure that their divorce is as seamless and painless as possible.